


All for You

by SighOfLethe



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Angst, F/F, Introspection, Rebellion Story Spoilers kinda, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 06:38:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7607647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SighOfLethe/pseuds/SighOfLethe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akemi Homura's thoughts about Madoka as she struggles to make her way through the maze of time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All for You

No one would believe me when I told them, no matter how many times I tried, no matter how I presented it. I thought that after knowing them for so many years – my time, not theirs, they could never understand, never survive like I do – I'd be able to know how to appeal to them, how to get them to see the truth. I was wrong. They never understood. Only _she_ ever believed me without proof, right from the start – and _oh_ how I loved (love) her for that, for her innate herness, for being who she is, for anything and everything and nothing, and the world can _burn_ if it makes her happy (I'll be the one to light the match) – though the others always came around in the end – too **late** , always too late, once I'd **failed** and it was all over and I had to move _across_ and _back_ and start again _alone_ , always _alone_ , except for when _she_ is with me, or is it _was_ , this isn't her, she's long gone, but this is her, it has to be, she has her _face_ , has her _past_ , but what if I'm wrong, no, I can't be wrong, then it's all for _nothing_ and I'll _break_ , it's all for her, all of it, always. No matter how many times I _fail_ and move _across_ and _back_ I won't give up, I _can't_ , there are still more of _her_ it's not _over_ yet it can't be _I_ won't let _it_ end until I succeed (ever) no matter how much it hurts no matter how much I cry it's not enough she deserves more she is my everything I will not let her burn out and _disappear_ she is too _important_ she can't go she can't _leave me all alone_

 

We almost destroyed the world together once, did you know that? We expended too much of ourselves against _that_ , so we could no longer maintain our minds. We had none of the precious jewels we needed to purify ourselves, and were falling into madness and despair. I wouldn't have minded, really – as long as I'm with her I don't care if I'm protecting the world or razing it to the ground – but she did. She purified me with a gem she'd hidden, and asked me to save her – both the still-pure her, who had to be saved from that damned (damning) contract, and the her who lay before me, from her transformation into a monster. I saved that her. It was difficult. I could barely force myself to do it. I only did it because she asked me – anythingforhermysoulmyheartmymindmybody – or I would never have been able to pull that trigger – I love her, I could never hurt her (never _deny_ her) – but she was at peace, so my pain didn't (doesn't) matter at all – then I moved _across_ and _back_ and started again _alone_ , always _alone_. How am I supposed to approach her (to save her)? “Hi, I'm the new girl. You don't know me, but I know you (all _about_ you, your favorite color, your three sizes, your favorite flower, where you live) and I love you. Let me protect you!” No, that won't work (would never work, I know, I've tried it) but nothing else does either (I've lived hundreds of years and even more worlds and I _kn_ _ow_ ). I'll take the only path (paths) left and become the devil (when it's really that little white bastard with his constant smile and that damned (damning) contract). You'll fear me (may even hate me), but if it keeps you _safe_ and _happy_ it's all _okay_ (even if I can't (won't) feel your warm body beside me, won't taste your lips or hear your laugh), because you're all that matters. It's all for you.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this on Fanfiction.net all the way back in... 2011? Has it really been that long? My, how time does fly. I've gotten back into writing bits and pieces of fanfic, so I thought I might branch out to here as well. Don't expect a large body of work from me, nor any longer pieces -- I prefer to allow a small number of carefully-chosen words to take the place of longer exposition. I certainly enjoy reading long works, but personally prefer to work with a more delicate touch.
> 
> Since I'm writing an end note anyway (something which you should not expect to be a common occurrence), here is a little bit of trivia about this piece:
> 
> \- It was written a few weeks before I first posted it, not long after the run of the television series ended. It was intended as a Homura character piece, as all of my Madoka work has turned out to be.
> 
> \- It was originally written (and still is posted with, on Fanfiction.net) British spelling. It has been changed to use American spellings for its posting here for the sake of consistency with my more recent work. The spelling that I use when writing varies based on my location, and I often alter older works to fit. A strange habit of mine.
> 
> \- I gave it the tag "Rebellion Story Spoilers kinda" because it was written long, long before Rebellion Story itself came out -- and yet it contains Homura making the fateful choice to "become the devil" for Madoka's sake, regardless of the consequences. Shall I take that as validation that I got into her headspace correctly?
> 
> \- It is intentionally messy and difficult to follow -- unfortunately, as convenient as it would be, our thoughts are rarely nice and clean. Likewise, the unusual placement of italics is meant to indicate rushed thoughts that themselves had oddly-placed emphasis. All of that said, it is much easier to read here than it is on Fanfiction.net. Lines are much more nicely sized.
> 
> \- This piece is meant to be spoken aloud more than it is meant to be read. I have a fondness for the spoken word and the act of storytelling that far eclipses my (immense) love of the written word.


End file.
